On the way to Prague I have moved out of my apartment in Kyiv (after 6 years there! more on that later…), and so I thought one good move deserves another and I have moved my blog to www.caranews.blogspot.com

There will be no more posts here. Hope to “see” you at blogspot soon. Thanks!

PS…I’m still in Ukraine (just not my apt.) through March.

Some of you know I am moving from Ukraine, and some of you don’t….and soon, when I get a chance to breathe, I will write a longer posting and give all the details. Basically I will be leaving at the end of March for Prague. More on that soon. But for now… 

Moving…an adventure in any country, but especially for me, and especially here in Ukraine.

Especially for me because I am a bit of a pack rat (ok, a full-blown hoarding rodent) and I have a “full life”. Translation= I have lots of stuff both worthwhile and worthless.

So as I’ve been sorting through all my stuff, packing, hauling, giving away and throwing out masses of stuff - my wonderful friends have been helping me.

One friend, Jeanne Peipon, helped take my cat, Spot, to the vet because he has to have shots to be taken out of the country. I really thought it would be simple. I had given my carrier away to another friend with a cat, but my cat is pretty calm (in my opinion) and so I thought, it’s only around the corner, he can just go in a box in a big duffle bag thing (Babushka Bags we call them, as all the Babushki - or Grandmas - use them to carry stuff to and from the Bazaars here). Bad Idea.

Every time I’ve taken him to the Vet here (admittedly only a couple of times) have gone quite smoothly. But it was anything but that for poor Jeanne and Kolya. If you’re interested in a funny tale (no pun intended) you can check out Jeanne’s blog at www.jeannepeipon.blogspot.com

More soon on the move..

It seems a little odd to write something so frivolous so soon after my last post about losing our dear George. But life does, and has, gone on. I am glad to say the church, although still sorely missing George, is moving on, too. More and more I hear people remembering George by retelling something funny that Goerge did or said, and so laughing, instead of crying.

But really, George was a true-blue missionary at heart, someone with a light touch on this earth, so I think he would have gotten a laugh out of this list below. (I got this in a FWD from someone, and unfortuantely, don’t know the author).

And if you’ve seen the movie The Apostle, with Robert Duvall (and if not I highly recommend it…..difficult to watch, but an amazing tale of grace, in my opinion)…then you might remember the line when someone asks Duvall where he’s from. He looks at the ground, scuffs his shoe in the dust and says (as close as I can remember) “Well, you see this piece of dirt where I’m standing? Well this is where I’m from”.

George, and all of us who go by the label of “missionary” have found ourselves living out the verse that says that we are ”pilgrims and strangers on this earth”. So, as we’re just passing through, here’s some thoughts that might give you a little laugh. (I’d love to know if this is as funny to you non-missionaries as it is to those of you on the field, wherever you might be. Drop me a line!)

You may be a missionary if …
1. You can’t answer the question, “Where are you from?”

10. You sort your friends by continent.

** These are a little extreme for me! I’m not “that kind of” missionary! Are you? :)                                               

My own additions…

• Your breakfast cereal has its ingredients list in at least 5 different languages. And you are thrilled when you find “your language” (the one you actually understand) even though its NOT your native language!

• You own numerous dictionaries, often NONE of which are for your native language.

• You find you are most comfortable speaking a strange mix of your native language with words and phrases taken from your host country’s language added in and therefore the only people that truly understand you are others from your native country living in the same host country where you are (ie. Americans in
  Ukraine).

A couple of years ago my friend’s Olenka and Stepan were getting married. Through some unexpected last minutes changes (the sort of which that would have put most American brides into cardiac arrest, but that Stepan and Olenka seemed to face with the same grace and aplomb that they continue to show every day all these years since their wedding) the wedding was held outdoors because the building they had reserved had been given to another couple for their wedding on the same day!

So, the result was the first of many weddings that our church in Kyiv, Ukraine would begin to hold out of doors. Something that is common in the states was new here and the result was wonderful. It was beautiful and simple, like so many things I have been blessed to enjoy here in Ukraine.

This is what I remember of that day. The bride walked down a tree-lined leafy canopied “aisle”, white wooden pegs stuck in the ground and draped with satiny white cloth billowing in the breeze marked out the bride’s path. At the end of her path waited our pastor, George Markey, with his trademark grin spreading from ear to ear. George loved weddings. (And it was a good thing, because those years we had about 28 weddings in around 2 ½ years!)

The wedding went off without a hitch and then there was a buffet, (or “furshette” as they call it here using the French word) and the cutting of the cake, etc. The bride and groom had wanted dancing, but the only discs that were on hand were some cheesy cowboy worship music (sorry if that’s your style) and the same Italian (or was it Spanish?) romantic, almost flamenco style music that had played as the bride walked down the aisle. It was beautiful music and so that disc got played over and over.

The bride and groom danced and a few other brave souls joined in. I love to dance and was goofing around doing my best flamenco / Persian / Swing Dance moves (none of which I can do with any real competency!). George was trying to get his wife Pam to join him and she didn’t seem too keen on the idea. She looked over at me and said “Cara, dance with him. He wants to dance. Dance with him”.

Well, it’s one thing to dance with someone else’s husband. It’s another if he’s your pastor. A little on the awkward side for me. :) But this was George, so we “tore up the carpet” (or is it “cut a rug”…inside joke for some old friends).…suffice to say, we had fun…because George liked to dance.

Don’t get me wrong. George could be a very serious man. He was serious about the things of God, that was his life. He was serious about his family. After Jesus, Pam and his children and grandchildren were the loves of his life.

And George wasn’t a goof-off, he worked. He worked hard at various jobs in the states even as a pastor so the church wouldn’t have to worry about his salary and so they would have more to give to missions. He worked hard in Ukraine, establishing a church, discipling that church, setting up and breaking down everything needed for Sunday services for that church in our rented building in Kyiv. He hauled water from the community well up to their apartment and he helped neighbors haul potatoes, groceries, whatever up to their apartments on the 10th floor, the 11th floor, or the 15th floor where his own apt. was (often up the stairs because the elevator would be broken!) .

And George sacrificed. He left his country, his friends and his language to go somewhere that he never would completely learn the language, a fact that often pained him because it meant he was limited in how much he could help and love people.

George was willing to do the hard things, the brave things. But in the middle of everything George danced.

He would be the first to dance and get everyone else to dance along with him. They say “it ain’t over till the fat lady sings” but for our church conferences here in Ukraine it was more like “it ain’t over till George dances”!

You have to understand, our church loves to worship (partly because George was a worshipper and he instilled that in our congregation), and our music is upbeat and lively, but we’re not exactly dancers. Not on Sunday morning, and not even really during our yearly conferences.

But by the end of the conference, as we sang and worshipped our Lord, full of joy for the things that God had done in people’s hearts in just those few short days, George would begin to dance. Hands raised up he’d start to sway. And then he’d either take the hand of someone and dance around or others - knowing that with this as in so many things that George would lead - would come to him and around the hall they’d go.

Now if you’re not a dancing Christian (and as I’ve said, we’re not really either!), or not a Christian at all, you may read this and think “silly emotionalism”. And not to be rude to you, but I think George would agree with me when I say, how sad for you.

When King David brought the Ark of God’s Covenant home to rest at last he was so happy that he danced for joy, too. In the streets even! His wife Michal saw him and the Bible says she was filled with contempt for him. She was ashamed of him. How sad for her.

How sad that she didn’t understand what David knew and what George knew…that the wisdom of the world is as foolishness to God, and those things of God that seem foolish to men are wiser and more precious than most men will ever know on this earth.

Recently when the church here in Kyiv gathered to pray for Pam and all the Markey children, spouses, grandchildren, etc. (they are quite a sizeable clan) I was remembering my dance with George that day at the wedding. As my mind wandered I thought about why Pam would have encouraged her husband to dance with me.

The first answer was obvious, it brought him such great joy, and why should she deny him that just because she didn’t want to? But then I was reminded why we even dance at all at weddings - to bring joy to the bride and groom. And who was George’s bride and groom? Who is Pam’s and mine and all who call upon the name of Christ? Our bridegroom is Jesus himself and we, the Church universal, are his bride. George lived to serve and to please his eternal bride and groom.

So Pam loaned George, gave him up, if you will, on that lovely wedding day to honor and to please the bride and groom….and in doing so she gave George great joy. (As George was an amazing man, Pam is an equally amazing woman). And now George has gone to be with Jesus face to face.

George died recently from complications resulting from pancreatic necrosis. He fell ill in Bishkek, Kyrgistan where he and Pam and their last two children living at home (out of 9!) had gone to help build the church there with the families of two of their daughters.

And so now Pam has had to give him up again….for the sake of the bride and the joy of the groom. If it was better for the bride - the church both here in Ukraine, in Bishkek and all those all around the world who either came to know the Lord or grew in our love for him as a result of George’s ministry -for George to have remained here with us (as hard as it is for me to comprehend intellectually), I know that he would still be with us. But that was not God’s plan. Somehow, our all-knowing, all-loving God felt that George’s time to come home was now.

But once again, Pam has only loaned George. She, and all of us who anxiously wait for the day when we too will be with our Lord in Heaven, will enjoy George’s smile, love, and big bear hugs again one day at another wedding, the wedding feast of the Lamb that the Bible says waits for all those whose names are written in the book of life.

George died as he lived…honoring the bride, giving glory to the groom…and dancing. Those of us that danced with him didn’t always know where he was leading, and George didn’t always know himself! He listened to the sound of a heavenly tune and went where it took him.

His head was in the clouds, as some have said, and he danced where his heart lead him…and oh are we so thankful for the results! It wasn’t always a studied, graceful ballet, but rather a lively, vigorous jig or two-step that was full of joy and enthusiasm. George sometimes swung you around fast, you had to move quick to keep up!

George loved to remind those who had just given their hearts to the Lord that the Bible tells us that “all the angels in heaven rejoiced when even one sinner repents and turns to God”. And I can’t help but think that now each time as that rejoicing starts up, there’s one smiling Indiana farmer leading the conga line. David’s wife Michal would have been ashamed, but I was proud to have danced with George and I look forward to doing so again on the other side. So save a dance for me, ok, George?

**For more specific information about George’s life and his passing and how to help the family with the extreme medical bills and expenses for evacuating George from Kyrgistan, click on http://www.ccmukraine.org/forum

My mom (or grandma? or both? somebody ….) used to say, when explaining why it was hard to get letters written (yes, in the day before email OR blogging people actually wrote letters…on PAPER…with PENS or PENCILS…imagine…) that there was “nothing that big that forced her to write and too many little things that kept her from writing”. Oh how I can relate…

But in the spirit of this new, more often, (hopefully) shorter blogs, here are some of those more notable “little things” that I didn’t get around to telling you all about when they happened…

Planting Seeds…

 Books for *Babushki (*plural of Babushka) :    AT THE HOSPITAL……When my friend Marilyn was in the hospital the “Babushka” (older lady) sharing the room with her was really sweet and talkative. She seemed very scared of her condition (which we could never quite figure out what it was). We offered to pray for her and she asked if we could write what we prayed down because she thought that her grandkids could “really benefit from prayers like that”. She was Orthodox and they typically (as far as I know) have their prayers written out and memorized rather than just freely from your heart as we in protestantism are used to.

She told us all about her family; her kids and grandkids, etc. So I gave her some books for all of them. A children’s Bible for the grandkids and a Bible for her, “Married and How to Stay That Way” by Steve Carr for her kid’s and their spouses, “Why Grace Changes Everything” by Chuck Smith and a couple of novels (“Stepping Heavenward” and others by Christina Roy) and she was overwhelmed. She just kept thanking us over and over. During the time my friend was there she had read two of the Roy  novels and was quite a ways through the book on grace. We also gave her a tract with the gospel and an invitation to church. She said she lived too far away to come to our church (Kyiv is quite big and can take an hour to get across town on public transport.) That was fine and we didn’t push it. The books and the Holy Spirit are more than enough tools for God to do whatever He plans at this season in her life.

AT THE OFFICE…Recently our “*dezhornaya” (*door-lady) was sitting in her little “office” in the entryway of our building  reading the Psalms. I asked her if she was a “Believer” (a common way to refer to Christians…typically people answer “of course! Everyone is!”) She answered slowly and said, well, the Psalms were very interesting and inspiring and she figured by reading them she could get closer to God but that she didn’t really know and she didn’t really go to church (for most Orthodox people being a Christian is equal to going to church. If you don’t go to church you are suspect and if you go to church then it is without question that you are a Christian. From what I have observed your beliefs and consequent expression of life has really no relevance on the question.)

I asked her if she would like to learn more about what it meant to be a Christian and she was very enthusiastic. I brought her Chuck Smith’s book on grace (the aspect of salvation it seems that Orthodox people most need to hear about, since I have seen little or no concept of it in their works based system of faith….good people, but burdened under the fear of not knowing if you have done enough, are good enough, etc. to be accepted into heaven when you die…how sad!)….and the novel based on the biblical story of Bathsheba by Francine Rivers.

She said it was too much to give them to her and was relieved when I explained that they were from our library. She was reading away at one the next time I passed by and I have seen two other of the “dezhourni” reading them, too (they work two separate overnight shifts a week to “guard” the entryway and have to spend their whole time either in their teeny tiny little room with a cot or somewhere right there in the entryway.) They have asked if they can get new books once they finish these! Of course!

“Be ready to give an answer to every man that asks the reason for the hope that lies within you…”

I often have a book or cd or something with me to give out to anyone where the “door” seems open. Now with the van that’s even easier to have something with me. Our church goes to a baby-hospital to help change diapers, rock babies, etc. and I asked if they could find out if we could donate a little three-shelf bookshelf and some books for a little “library” for parents that are anxiously waiting to hear news of their little ones that are sick. Please pray that we might have the chance to offer some words of encouragement and hope, via these books, to these families during such stressful times.

Oh…and BTW, today I got a phone call for another 10 books from the woman that bought 10 at the weekend book faire recently!  She is from an international Christian institute here in Kyiv. She knew nothing of the book or the author, but just saw it at the faire (that wonderful cover again - that I’m  still TRYING to download a picture of here!) and then liked what she found inside even better than the cover!  

Yea…that’s what I like to hear.

“…Bring forth its fruit in season…” Psalm 1:3

Last weekend I saw some encouraging fruit from seeds planted quite awhile ago.

Last year in May Tree of Life received from the printer our inventory of the Russian language version of Steve Carr’s book “Married and How to Stay That Way”. It had been promised in March when Steve, his wife Susie, and a crew from Calvary Chapel of Arroyo Grande, CA came for a marriage conference here in Kyiv. The conference (and really the whole time with that team) went GREAT! By the end of the conference local CC Kyiv leadership was already asking when Steve and Susie could plan to come back for another conference! But still the books were not ready.

Finally, in time for our national conference in May, the book was ready. I don’t even remember when we first started the long and involved process of translating, editing, second editing, cover design, proofing, printing, etc. A year before? Maybe. Tree of Life had already done other books in cooperation with other organizations, but this was our first title that we did start to finish. What a learning process! (The marriage conference was the first conference that we organized, too…a lot of firsts with that book!)

BREAKING NEW GROUND 

But last weekend TOL, our friend Pasha who makes and designs t-shirts, and In Lumine publishers (a project by my friend Jake Knotts) had a table at the monthly Christian book faire here in Kyiv and the results were great! (FYI, we had never done that before because the cost for renting a table is simply prohibitive when compared to what we sell our books for and it took awhile before Jake, Pasha and I could get coordinated to take a table together).

 One mail-order Christian Book Distributor / Publisher took 50 copies and another took 10 (saying they would want to get more soon.) We sold all but about 4 of the books we had brought to the faire!

This may not seem much to you, but one of the reasons I am so excited is because these were to people outside of our circle of churches and who had no clue who the author was! They had, however, read the sample copies that my staff had given out the minute the book was available. It is a comprehensive book (translation: you could use it as a door stop! Sorry, Steve, but you have to admit the thing is meaty!) so it took folks awhile to get through it, but when they did they had nothing but praise for it!

This is a big deal. Not just because we have some hope of getting rid of all the 3000 books we printed and paying off the loans that we took to pay for the printing, etc. but because (as I had believed it would) this book cut across denominational lines! It is just a good solid Biblical book that anyone from any denominational background can appreciate.

…a little rant 

Denominationalism, to the point of territorialism - sigh. ….some churches that I know of actually have lists of other churches that if their members are known to visit those churches they will be “dis-fellowshipped”…ie. kicked out of their own church for simply going to a concert, Bible study, drama performance, etc. of another CHRISTIAN church. I’m not talking cult or false religion, I’m talking another Christian church that maybe just doesn’t agree with them regarding the issue of how long you wait before you can be baptised….or if it is necessary to have a church membership list or not….or if non-baptised people can take communion…I realise that to some people these are serious issues (whether they should be or not - biblically - is a WHOLE other blog), but to dis-fellowship someone because they simply visited another church which, (the afore-mentioned issues aside), is a biblical Christian church in regards to their doctrines of sin, salvation, deity of Jesus, etc.? I will let God judge that, but personally, it makes me ill…(particularly when I see it in myself!)

Back to our regulary scheduled programming… 

Anyway, now that I’m through (for the time) ranting…that’s why the sales of those books were so exciting! People aren’t liking this book because of its denominational association, or a well-known author but because the truths inside are spiritual, biblical, and therefore they recognize the power of them to change lives and heal broken marriages! Awesome! (Although I do think our WONDERFUL re-design of the cover might have helped, too! ha!)

So…there ya go. Good things do come to those who wait. And I know that with this book, the best is yet to come. Thanks for writing it, Steve.

…until they know how much you care”... is how that saying goes. Although I like the update my friend Jake made recently when he said “People don’t care how much you know, until they know - do you know Cara”?  I thought that was pretty hysterical.

All puns on my name aside (believe me, over the years I’ve had more than enough), that saying (the original one, of course) is so true. Stay with me here….there will be a point to all this, eventually….

 NOT THE PROMISED UPDATE

I was going to give the “real” update on Tree of Life publishing stuff, but that takes brain power and it is late, so this is just going to be a little rambling. 

Monday night I was at a interdenominational women’s meeting here in Kyiv. It is a varied group of women that meets once a month and the only thing we have in common is that we are all fluent in English (even though it is not the first language for some), we are women, we are Christians (of all shapes and flavors, I like to say) and we live in Ukraine. We call this meeting “a rest stop for English speaking Christian women on their journey in Ukraine”. We pray, worship, network and overall try to encourage one another.

WHAT IS THE BOTTOM LINE?

This last meeting my friend Michelle that works with street kids shared about the ups and downs of her ministry and life. She said many really simply profound (or profoundly simple?) things but the overall idea that really stuck with me is that it is NOT about programs and charting results, etc. etc. but about people and about God and about sharing His love and care for them.

BIG SIGH….does that bring peace to your soul? It does to me.

Michelle encouraged us (or this is my “cara-phrased” recollection of what she said) to be on guard to not fall into the trap of just “keeping the machine running”, but to stay focused on the transforming truth of God’s love, grace and forgiveness for us manifested in the death and resurrection of his son Jesus who paid our debt of sin and therefore reconciled us to God for all who believe.

BREAKFAST CLUB 

The next morning Tanya and Cheryl from Rzhshiv and Jeanne from Kyiv and I went to breakfast (my favorite place where you can get the closest thing to an American style breakfast for under $5!) and spontaneously had the kind of time together that most Bible study leaders and pastor’s do everything under the sun (but maybe not everything under the SON? sorry, couldn’t resist!) to achieve with their people and often don’t….we just shared what God was doing in our lives and encouraged one another. I had brought my bible and one or another of us would grab it and read a verse, not as some religious duty, but just in the course of conversation, just as one might read something from the newspaper that had been interesting to them that day. Only this book is alive and it wasn’t just interesting to the one who read it but it touched all of us deep in our hearts.

We shared about our struggles, God’s victory in the midst of them, but most of all we did what my friend Jake and I agreed is the secret to walking with God (another “cara-phrase”…lemme know if I misquoted you, Jake)….when the focus is on God and His majesty, His all encompassing glory and holiness and yet at the same time His limitless love and grace for us….well, when you do that, it reaches past your mind, even your emotions and strikes at your very soul It is the truth that we were created to know and to live. It opens up your heart and you are at once struck with your black depravity and your spotless redemption! Both are as sure and unquestionable to you when you look at Him.

One verse that is dear to me these days is “the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the spirit is life”. I have spent this last year with my mind set too much on the flesh, both in the allowing of sin in my life and then in the guilt and over-analyzing of it in the aftermath. What a waste! The mind set on the spirit, on God himself is the secret.

So, we had a great cheap breakfast (and that always makes me very happy) and found out how much God knows when I took the time to focus on how much He cares. Hope you’re able to do that, too, today.

(I know, I know…this wasn’t very short…but the next one will be…HONEST!) 

Blogging Along… 

I have a friend (the “Blog Queen” we call her) who advises that one should really blog regularly (every day if possible), but short blogs. Evidently “less IS more” when it comes to blogging, too. Well, any of you that either know me or have gotten to know me through reading this blog know how inherently …uh…difficult (I won’t say impossible) that is for me.
 BUT, since “with God all things are possible”, I’m going to try! J To that end, I am combining my various blogs (all linked here, but rarely viewed by most, I’m afraid) together onto this page. So watch for various (shorter?) updates about Tree of Life Books, my prayer and praise requests, and my personal ramblings here. THANKS!  

Just as I am, without one plea
But that thy blood was shed for me
And that thou bidd’st me come to thee
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

JUST AS I AM… 

That song was running around in my head recently while a team was here visiting me from Calvary Church in Oregon (more on that here  soon and on Tree of Life blog, Prayer and Praise, etc. It was a great time!).

I was talking to Kelly, one of the leaders on the team, about it and how I couldn’t get it out of my head. That night I opened a new devotional book that someone had given me. The first day’s reading started with this open stanza of the hymn and went on to give a brief biography of the woman who wrote it. Nice coincedence, huh?

I have fond memories of this song on many different occasions in my life. I remember singing it at Anaheim Stadium in California during what we were told was to be Billy Graham’s last American crusade. He went on to hold many more and at this writing is still preaching the simple message of this song….”Just as I am…without one plea…I come.”

CANDLES, PRIESTS AND THE PRESENCE OF GOD 

While this team was here from Oregon we went on a tour of the catacombs at Pecherska Lavra (a Russian Orthodox Monastery site). Here the bodies of Russian Orthodox Saints are entombed. It is a holy place and people come appropriately clothed or they will give you jackets (to cover bare shoulders), wrap-around apron/skirts (to cover bare knees) and scarves (to cover “bare” heads, I suppose). Worshippers, pilgrims and tourists alike file through the darkness of the caves below solemnly with candles, many bending to kiss the glass encasements where the mummified corpses of the monks lie. They bow, cross themselves, maybe recite a prayer, kiss the tomb or icon and move on.

Because it not my tradition, because I did not grow up with all this but even more so  because I feel it is so far from what God seems to describe in His Word of what He wants for us in regards to grace, mercy, joy, etc. these actions are troublesome to me, to say the least. They remind me of the verses that speak of the Pharisees of Jesus’ time who would “heap heavy burdens on others…keep them from entering into the kingdom of God while they themselves do not enter in”. (“cara-phrase” of Matt. 23:4, 13)

[**Hear me clearly...I am not saying that Christianity is a Western American religion and that all of our traditions or practices are necessarily what God envisioned for His children either. Nor am I saying that there are not those that may feel a closeness of God's presence through Orthodox practices. It is the teaching of the Orthodox Church that says that no one can know whether they have salvation for sure, and therefore acts of oblation such as lighting candles, saying prayers,  bowing, kissing icons, etc. must be done to try and secure relationship with God and one's place in heaven....it is THAT that causes me pain. 1 John 5:11-13 seems to be clearly written so that he who has Christ can know that he has salvation and eternal life. And how do we have Christ? "For by grace are you saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast. " (Eph. 2:8-9). I realize this is a hugely complex issue and I apologize for so briefly summarizing it here.]

NEVER ENOUGH

Recently our new pastor Aloysha was recounting a story about when he was in training to work at the metro here in Kyiv. One of his teacher’s was a seemingly devout Orthodox man. When he heard that Aloysha was a believer he began to grill him each day as to which “Saint Day” it was that day. (The Orthodox Church has a calendar showing which Saint is to be honored each day throughout the year.) Aloysha didn’t know and the teacher’s response was a disgusted snort and “You call yourself a Christian”.

Finally Aloysha decided to just get a calendar and begin memorizing each day’s Saint. One, two, three times and so on, Aloysha answered correctly when asked what Saint day it was. Finally the teacher said, “Ok, so you know your saints. But if you’re a Christian, how come you don’t wear a cross?”

Sigh….You get it. It would never be enough. Once he accomplished one task, there would be a new one, and so on and so on. Legalism is like that. If he started wearing a cross, then it would be “Have you lit candles? Have you kissed the icon?”. (*Just a note- I am just recounting Aloysha’s story for a point. Bear with me. I am not inditing all Orthodox believers, or Catholic or any other “high-church” traditions. The “wheat will grow up with the chaff” and it is God’s place to separate them on that final day. Hang in here with me, ok?)

LOSING MY RELIGION 

But as I listened to Aloysha’s story, I heard within my heart the unmistakable voice of God. You know the difference don’t you? The vague, free-floating sneer of condemnation is always from our enemy, satan. He’s called the “accuser of the brethren” and its a title that suits him. But conviction from our loving father is always specific. “Do this”, “Don’t do that”, “I love you  more than that. I have better for you. Come over here with me. Leave that.”. etc.

What I heard was very clear…”And how different is that from your Protestant legalism?” Maybe you haven’t experienced it, but this is what I have often wrongly pushed upon myself and even worse, on others…whether directly said or simply internally thought: “Ok, you go to church. But what about Wednesday study? Ok, Wednesday study, but what about prayer meeting. Ok Prayer meeting…but what about the outreach…the missions trip…feeding the homeless…etc. etc.etc.” It never ends. And unfortunately that was the voice I had let slip in…

Oh foolish, foolish missionary that I am! Who has bewitched me?

“Oh foolish Galations, who has bewitched you? You used to see the meaning of Jesus Christ’s death as clearly as though I had shown you a signboard with a picture of Christ dying on the cross. Let me ask you this one question: Did you receive the Holy Spirit by keeping the law? Of course not, for the Holy Spirit came upon you only after you believed the message you heard about Christ. Have you lost your senses? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort?” (Galations 3:1-3)

FROM LAW TO GRACE…AGAIN 

But we do…or at least I do…try to become perfect by my own human effort. I am recently coming out of a bit of a “bewitching” time. Some of it was physical.(See the latest Praise Report udpate for more about this). But some of it was a subtle slide into legalism. I have written about that before here, as well as other issues of grace, and I am sure I will sometime again. Grace is precious to me. Grace is a mystery to me. Grace is my life and the rock I desperately cling to.

But here was the situation: If we (Tree of Life) published a book - there was another one that could be done, too! If we did a conference - there was another one that was asking us to provide books and resources for, too. The phone was always ringing, the guest beds always full, the bank account drained and my personal physical resources, too. I was finding myself cranky, impatient, critical of others, everything other than full of grace and joy and mercy. And for what?

This is not, I am convinced, how God wants us to live. It’s hard because ”truly the harvest is ripe but the laborers are few”. There are so many needs, so few working to meet them. The answer is not to do less, or to do more…the answer lies in a quote my friend Teri had up on her wall (or was it on her Bible cover?) in Ukraine… “God’s work, done God’s way, never lacks God’s resources.” But I had begun to seek my work, done my way, with my resources - not God’s…and I didn’t even realize it. 

“REST” and “CLEAN HOUSE”  

While I was back in the states this last trip the only words I heard from the Lord was “Rest” and “Clean House”. Really. Seems like a contridiction, huh?  I have accumulated a lot of “clutter” both physically, spiritually, emotionally over the years and I feel like God wants me to “clean house”. Whether that is to prepare me for a move, a change of ministry or just to continue what I was doing before and have a little cleaner slate to operate with, I don’t know. Time will tell.

As for rest, well, although I will soon have the oppurtunity to actually have some physical rest, I think God’s meaning was more about not striving; trusting that the God who saved me by His grace will also keep me and direct me. I have a bracelet I got from a woman in California that has this verse printed on it:

“In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths”. Proverbs 3:6

WHAT’S NEXT? 

I don’t know what is coming next, but I’m trusting that He WILL direct my paths. I feel like the Lord has told me not to make any major decisions before January. (I have plenty of things to keep me occupied till then without taking on anything new).

Honestly, its a little intimidating to write this. I have found that people are uncomfortable with the unknown. They want things nailed down. I had a conversation with a fellow missionary recently and when I said that I didn’t know what God had for me but that I was just supposed to wait for a few months she continued to ask me nearly 4 times in one conversation ”so what do you think you’re doing next?” She just couldn’t receive the answer of “I don’t know”. I hope all of you can. 

DYING, NEW LIFE AND “FAMILY”

God says (and He has shown this to be true in His physical universe) that “only when a seed falls to the ground and dies can it bring forth life”. I am holding on to that because I have gone through a bit of “dying” this last year (as I am sure God is faithful to have all of us go through at one time or another in order to give us new life).

I have had to let a few dreams die. I know that God has used me and  Tree of Life here in Ukraine. Neither my life or the ministry of Tree of Life have turned out as I imagined, but still there has been sweet fruit and I am grateful to have been used by God. Personally, I had a few dreams, long locked away, opened up only to be quickly slammed shut again. And even though I can see God’s care for me in all that, this has been more difficult than I ever imagined. Also, I had unknowingly placed people and things in idolatrous places only to realize it when I saw their feet of clay crumble beneath them.

But you know what…just as I am. He receives me still. Longs for my embrace. Waits for my voice to call His name. Still my friends and family, “just as THEY are” receive me, too. A dear brother in the Lord challenged me recently as to who my “family” was, who I could depend on. At the time I was depressed, disappointed and confused and I said something like “very few” (I honestly don’t remember exactly what I said…it was that low of a point). But now I realize that is not true at all.

Everyone and no one is who I have to depend on. I am so blessed that I have many brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, children, etc. both in the flesh and in the spirit that I know I can (and have!) call on at a moment’s notice for anything from prayer, to a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, etc. And they are all over the world! But on the other hand, the ones I want are not always the ones that respond when I want them to or how I want them to. And that is when the “friend that sticks closer than a brother” comes to my side. Jesus, lover of my soul. Always near, always there in time of need.

I am blessed that my parents did not meet my every need growing up. It drew me to Jesus. When I was a teenager I blasted them for this. But now I see the wisdom in their “holding back” that was intended to train me and strenthen me and God’s wisdom when they lacked was part of His plans to train me and strengthen me. I am glad that my friends don’t always understand me or stand by me in the ways that I wish they would. Why would I need Jesus? Their friendship and love is that much sweeter when it is merely the icing on the cake, the flowers upon the rock and not the rock itself…they couldn’t hold up for that, I couldn’t, none of us can. We aren’t the rock for one another and we aren’t supposed to be.

THAT SINKING FEELING

So here I am, just as I am. Another rambling, long blog. I like the fact that the other disciples in the boat only recognized that “surely this is the Son of God” after Peter sank and the Lord lifted Him up again. When Jesus walked on the water…didn’t they recognize Him then? When Peter called Him Lord and asked Him to call Peter out and He did…didn’t they recognize Him then? When Peter then himself walked on water in response to the Lord’s call…didn’t they recognize Him then? Nope. Only when Peter sank and the Lord lifted Him up did they finally see who it was before them all along.

I guess maybe they thought..”well, Jesus, maybe he can somehow walk on water of his own power. And I suppose Peter, maybe he figured it out, too”. But when Peter sank and Jesus lifted him THEN they knew that He was the Lord.

We can sometimes do amazing things that fool others or even try to fool ourselves, but when we are sinking, only God can lift us out. SO-o-o all that to say, this is one of my favorite stories, and if through all this rambling and sharing of my weaknesses you have seen God lifting me from a place I couldn’t have lifted myself, and through this you see the Lord there before you…well good.

Maybe others would get through my same circumstances breezily and with little thought…but this is where I am, how God is molding me into His image, just as I am.

Love you all….

Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

 Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
Because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.