The View From Here

Hi All!
SO sorry I haven’t written for so long…life has been sort of billowing? washing? sloshing? something wave-like…over me for the past few months. I have been, thankfully, keeping my head above water, but haven’t had much time to write. My apologies. And my apologies if I haven’t contacted you yet in the US. Please forgive and you may get a call yet!

For now I figured most important was to put some current prayer requests up…so click here www.prayerandpraise.blog.com and check out the latest! More soon….

 Cara

“And when they realized that the Lord had seen their misery and was deeply concerned for them, they all bowed their heads and worshipped”.

Exodus 4: 31 NLT

I always tested high on all those personalities test as a sanguine or choleric. I don’t think I once came out as a melancholy. But now I feel like I get up on the melancholy philosophical side of bed more and more these days. Not depressed, not unhappy, just aware of the hurt in the world.

I don’t know if it was moving to Ukraine - a country who has faced so much pain and suffering, or just getting older and starting to face more and more of my own weaknesses and failings, or simply just long cold winters that give you too much time to think…in the dark!

NOTE:[The sun goes down usually around 4:30 in the afternoon. Today was a BEAUTIFUL day, it was 5:15 and still not dark!] BUT Spring is coming! Ok, MONTHS away, but still…its coming!

So this is a very melancholy glance at an actually very optmimstic truth: SPRING is coming! And I don’t just mean on the calendar. There is coming a time when this winter that holds the world in frozen stillness will end.

The cold hardness of hearts that calls evil good and good evil, the harsh winds of suffering that blow throughout the world, and the cold rain of sickness and disease that truly falls on the just and the unjust….someday it will all be over.

Lots of people believe there is a God. Or Something or Someone bigger. Maybe they even have a list of things they know about Him. Things He likes. Things He doesn’t like. But pain and suffering…well, pull up your bootstraps and face it on your own.

Even religious people (being one I can speak with some authority! Ha!) have their own ecclisiastical “bootstraps”….”need to pray more, serve more, give more, do more….” the list goes on. Even worship more.

But what does this verse at the top say? It was realizing that God sees. That He in fact saw. And saw it all. Saw not just “the misery in the world” but THEIR misery. Saw the unrighteousness done to them. Saw the unrighteousness they did to others….and…what? Judged? Condemned? No, “was deeply concerned for them”.

Lest I get a million emails from my wonderfully “Berean” brethren (you know who you are!)…yes, there is a time for God’s judgement. And sin was condemned and paid for once and for all with Christ’s death on the cross. All who wish to hold to that crucified reality,to the side of death and not the side of resurrection, hold to sin and all that means, yes - they will experience condemnation and judgement….but that’s not the only option. “God is willing that none should perish, but that all should come to repentance”.

So, ok, back to our regularly scheduled programming..

Jim,from http://Missionary-Blogs.com asked some of us to write about “A Passage I Love”. A passage from the Bible…and first of all, I love that wording…a passage..because it really is a journey with the Bible. The book is alive, I’m tellin’ ya! It moves, it speaks, it has something new to show me everytime I open it. It is a “passage”, and it takes me to the heart of God.

But just ONE passage I love? You that are happily married…ONE thing you love about your spouse? I hope their are millions! About your children? About your parents? I can list right now lots of things about my family that I love without even trying (my apologies that I don’t tell you all often enough…but I do love so much about all of you)…so…ok…ONE passage that I love?

Well, here it is again, folks. And when they realized that the Lord had seen their misery and was deeply concerned for them, they all bowed their heads and worshipped”. Exodus 4: 31 NLT

Whatever is your misery right now…God sees it. If you feel like no one sees it, God does. But He doesn’t just see it, He cares. And He doesn’t just care, He is DEEPLY CONCERNED.

More than your friends. More than your family. More than even your church, priest or pastor. His heart breaks on behalf of those He loves. He died for you. He loves you. These aren’t just words, they are truth and they are life.

If you open your heart to them you will be amazed. True worship is this, it is a response. How can worship that which we do not know or that which we do not recognize as being worthy of worship. That’s what is called religion. Going through the motion. WORSHIP is an outflowing of the heart in response to a realization that God IS and that He desires relationship with you.

He really loves you so much. He has drawn near to you at the Cross and through His Word, draw near to Him. Poke your head through the snow and turn to the Son. Spring IS coming!

GREAT is His name and GREATLY to be PRAISED!

Brrrrrrrrrr! Has it been cold, or what?!?!

Sorry I’ve been gone for awhile from the ol’ blog spot…there will more soon, I promise! Just SO MUCH has been going on as usual. But just wanted you all to know that I’m alive and well and will be back blogging real soon! In fact, there will be another blog posted here immediately. It’s at the request of Jim at http://Missionary-Blogs.com. I’m pretty sure I missed his deadline, but oh well, I’m gonna try to answer his request for a blog re: my favorite passage from the Bible. WATCH THIS SPACE!

The landlord agreed to lower the rent for the new apartment so Tree of Life will soon have it’s own office!

Thank you all for praying for us!

Check out the whole story by clicking on the sidebar link here for our Prayer Request page (down and to the right of this column) or go to  www.prayerandpraise.blog.com

                                                                (click on photo for larger view)

               SWEET CHRISTMAS RECIPE

Start with a great decorated ”Yolka”… add good food…good friends…cute kids…hot water…and LOTS AND LOTS OF SNOW! (Toss in some fireworks and a good filling of English language news, and you’re good to go!)

This was my Christmas this year….aaahhh. For regular blog readers here, you know that for quite awhile the only thing in this space was the picture and the Merry Christmas greeting! That’s about all I could accomplish in time for Christmas. But since I will celebrate Christmas again on January 7th (Orthodox Christmas that is recognized here in Ukraine), I figured I still had time to update my Christmas greeting.

I got my decorations out this year, but never had a chance to put them up! I wasn’t too upset, because I knew I would be out of town on for “Catholic Christmas” (December 25th), and thought I would just get a tree before New Year: the REAL must-have-day for a “Yolka”.  (That didn’t work out either, but more on that later.)

But any disappointment was erased when I walked in the door at the Susidko’s house in Rzhshchiv. They had a great “yolka” all decorated and lit up! I was so surprised how happy it made me!

Every year is different, (just like for many of you, I’m sure) and for the most part holidays away from family are not as hard for me as maybe for others because I lived so many years in California far away from my parents in Oregon, (and my siblings are all over the place!) 

But still, sometimes you just wish there were more familiar things that would at least make it feel like Christmas. On those times, with no Christmas carols being played everywhere, no traditional food, and December 25th being basically just another day…on THOSE days, to start to miss family, too…well, its better not to even turn the Jonny Mathis Christmas tape on. :)  My good friend hit the nail on the head regarding holiday expectations in her December 28th blog posting. Check it out at www.updatesfromukraine.blog.com .

So it was especially great when I showed up at Tanya and Sergei’s and the Christmas music was playing, the kids were running around laughing and giggling and yummy smells were coming from the kitchen. I had just barely made the last “marshutka” (mini-van) from Kyiv to Rzhshchiv and apparently the heat didn’t work! I FROZE during the hour and half ride there! It was late and I didn’t realize Tanya had held a special Christmas dinner for me…well, for all of us, but hey were waiting on me! (We had some last minute book orders to get before Christmas that day, and both of my employees were fighting colds. I didn’t have the heart to send them out in the snow to gather books from the different distributors, so I went myself and this threw off my schedule to get to Rzshchiv).

BUT..it all worked out great! When I was discouraged and almost decided to just come the next day because I thought I had missed the last marshutka, Sergei even offered to drive into Kyiv and pick me up. Just like my parents would have done…or my brothers, or my sister. Family.

Tanya and Sergei are missionaries, too, and their little home is humble but cozy. Tanya is Australian (just by chance with a good Russian/Ukrainian name!) and Sergei - Ukrainian. I was a bridesmaid in their wedding years ago and it is so great to see how their family is growing and how they continue to serve God with love and humility. They could easily stay in Australia (they were there for awhile) and make money and have everything comfortable for their family, but they feel like for now God has called them here. They aren’t saints - just obedient.

So…we ate, caught up on world news (I watch it in Ukrainian and Russian but I know I miss a lot), watched Sergei set off fireworks, laughed, talked (ok, I talked, they listened! ha!) and after two days they had had enough of me and they left! Ha! Just kidding! They were invited to celebrate the holidays some more in another city with other missionaries. They left me to house-sit.

I have a lovely (note the sarcasm here) hot water heating system called a “kolonka” in my house that may be the death of me. Well, not death, just great frustration. Due to “weak gas flow” in my old apt. building (according to my landlord and one repair guy) I have not had hot water for going on two months now. My landlord fiddled with it for almost an entire day recently and announced “Vot! Est!” (“There! You have it!”).  But I didn’t. I had lukewarm water which over time has turned to consistently tepid (or is tepid warmer than lukewarm? Whatever. You get the idea.)

Now, this really doesn’t make sense, because, it seems as if the gas flow has probably been just as weak in this building for the last five years that I’ve lived here, so why have I had hot water up until now? (albeit, I’ll grant you, not consistent, but nonetheless, with a little prodding, I could get hot water). All this to say, I now know that it takes exactly two kettles of hot water (with cold added) for me to shower. Three if I want to really luxuriate. (I will try to get a new, different kind of kolonka when the budget allows.)

So to stay at the Susidko’s, where I believe the only new part of the house is their wonderful bathroom with bathtub and GREAT hot water system…well…I was in heaven! Taking a hot bath or shower was never so good. My parents have a little “farm” and I remember them saying that once they wondered aloud to each other why they didn’t mind feeding animals, milking, etc. now considering they often just hated it when they were kids. I figured it was just the usual maturity factor, but they said the biggest reason was being able to come in and take a hot shower after chores. That was what made all the difference. You  sure don’t realize how important something so small is until you don’t have it. Or when you do, after not having it for awhile!

SO,on that note…to all of you that help make up those things that I don’t have nearly enough of…whether because we’re too far away from each other, we’re close but life squeezes the time out, there’s not enough of you to go around..or as in the case with my amazing parents, brothers, sister and their families - no matter how much time we have, its never enough….You are missed, I love you and I hope your Christmas was wonderful!

This one may not be a very popular blog post. Sorry ’bout that.

So this is the story. I’ve been running crazy lately (hence no postings for awhile..will get some specific news out soon, after this one) and have been running a little thin on energy, optimism, etc. During these times I begin to doubt why I’m doing what I’m doing, if I’m redundant, etc. I sometimes wish I was a person who felt less, thought less, etc. But to quote Popeye (and the Apostle Paul) “I am what I am…by the grace of God” (first half Popeye, whole quote Paul). 

So it’s almost Christmas. Things are not exactly as I’d like (no Christmas tree yet, not sure if I’ll be able to pay my employees before New Year’s or not - THE big holiday here - no family around, everyone I know is getting married….”winge, winge, winge”…). And I’m on my way to the birthday party of one of my volunteers that runs our bookstore on Sundays after church. She is a mathematician, a research scientist that has been to many different countries presenting papers on various subjects in various languages. The salary she lives on is maybe just ok for here, but apalling for anywhere else and overall just awful in light of what she does. And she volunteers every other Sunday in a pitiful little church bookstore selling books for 2 and 3 dollars laid out on worn wooden tables. She loves books. She loves God. She loves people and she loves to serve. I am humbled. I am very blessed.

So I get to her birthday party. I’m winge-ing (sp? that’s “whining” for those who are not citizens of Her Majesty’s Commonwealth) and thinking “moo, moo, moo. mee, mee, mee. wah, wah, wah.” (For those of you who have seen Emperor’s New Groove). Your basic pity party. I stood in the hallway outside her apartment and prayed. I really just looked around at the peeling paint, graffitied walls, bare lightbulb and said out loud “Dear Jesus, help me!”. I know I am so blessed. I have an incredibly diverse family that loves and accepts me even if they often don’t understand or agree with me, I have more friends than I know what to do with sometimes, and I have “sychronicity” in my work, hobby, and ministry (as I heard was so necessary recently in a seminar…nice to know, I guess). So I’m not saying this so you will feel sorry for me. Some of you will even think I’m quite the wimp.  “Poost Boodit” (“So be it”).  Bear with me, this all has a point.

The door opens, I go inside and as soon as I have hauled off my 20 lb. winter coat (not really, just feels that way), boots, hat, and other snow paraphanelia, and sat down…our hostess says that to begin her party we will have a short time of worship. (Protestant-Evangelical-Non-Denominational-Speak for “sing a few songs”. )

I was not in the mood. But we sang. “Tvaya loobov ne mai reka”…”Over the mountains and the sea, Your river runs with love for me..and I will open up my heart and let the Healer set me free. I’m happy to be in the Truth, and I will daily lift my hands, for I will always sing of when your Love came down.”

Then another…”Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. Open the eyes of my heart. I want to see you. I want to see you.

Then something great happened…I forgot that I was… … well, I forgot “I”. I knew it wasn’t about me. It was her birthday. Everything would be fine. I wasn’t dying…yadda yadda yadda. But  that was how I was feeling.  Before. But now my focus was reshifted (refocused? Renewed? losing my English here…sigh…)…and I didn’t really notice, and we had a great party.

I came home and started working on the editing I have due for an English language magazine. (I always pray and trust for God to provide the finances for Tree of Life. And this time I feel like, for a time at least, that He is providing through a very practical means - editing magazine articles. But more on that in a later posting).

My mind was spinning with bad English, poor translations, etc. so I thought I’d take a break and watch the news or something. There was a program on, a kind of made-for-tv movie or episode in a weekly show or something, I wasn’t sure. (See, Mom, I don’t waste ALL my time watching tv or I would’ve known what show it was. You done good.)

It was one of those “stories ripped from today’s headlines” kind of thing and this headline was the terrorist / hostage incident in Moscow awhile back (one year?). If you don’t remember, Chechen rebels held an entire theater audience captive (opera, not movie..somehow that makes a difference for me). Many had bombs strapped to themselves and many people were killed. Finally the Russian special services broke through and killed the terrorists and released what was left of the hostages. I’m sorry that I can’t honor those who died and those who were brave with more specific figures right now (I could look it up on the internet), but that’s not my point right now.

The show was really pretty well done. The Russian actors were great. It was shot on location in Moscow, not some cheap set or fake supposed-to-look-like-Russia-but-really-its-somewhere in Budapest (a big difference for those of us that actually live in this part of the world). The American actors were a different story…Colin Powell was *Mr. Evans (the dad) from “Good Times”. He was good, but when he was supposed to be on the phone with the Russian ambassador I kept expecting him to say “Flo, what you talkin’ ’bout?!?” Ok, sorry, I digress…further.

So back to the point…it was horrible. It was bloody and gorey and from what I know it was pretty realistic. Oh sure, there were “tv moments”…the hero saves the day, etc. etc. But it was horrible. Those lousy terrorists. But wait…there was a twist…it was Arabs that had decieved the Chechens to get what they wanted. And I thought how it is interesting that who the “bad guys” are depends on where you are in the world. I imagine somewhere in the Arabic world there are tv shows showing evil American soldiers bombing innocent women and children. (Stay with me here…I’m saying that’s what they’d show - maybe - no editorial comment on that at this time).

And when you’re watching all this on CNN and the Russian voices are all translated by this very calm, controlled professional translator voice it seems all, well, manageable. The “real” news becomes very unreal and this movie, this “fiction” is/ was, as I watched it, very, very, very real. I heard the anquish in their voices and understood each phrase. I knew that what they were re-enacting was a very real situation. And it’s not over. The situation in Chechnya rages on. As does the situations in Uganda, and, and…well, fill in the blank.

So what’s the point? Why is this maybe not going to be a popular blog? You know what…evil is real. It’s not those evil Arabs…or Chechens, or warlords, or terrorists, or child abusers, or murderers, or whatever label we want to put on whatever evil we are noticing or enduring at the moment. It is evil, it is sin. It is not bad karma, it is not unresolved past lives, it is not dysfunctional families, it is not bad policies, or world trade organizations, or whatever scape goat we would like to find. It is sin and it is in each of us. “I have seen the enemy and he is us”. It comes out in horrendous ways. It comes in things we’d never do and things we do everyday. It is the little white lie and the slight indiscretion. It is the anger in our hearts, that Jesus said was as murder; the lust that He said was as adultery. It is not what we do, it is who we are - sinners. Someone said that “we aren’t sinners because we sin - we sin because we are sinners”. “For ALL have sinned and fallen short of God’s glorious standard”.

So, wow, boy Cara…deck the halls. Some holiday blog. Well, thank God -LITERALLY - it doesn’t end here. Let me give you a little background before you get the good part…

“..the truth about God is known by people instinctively. God has put this knowledge in their hearts. From the time the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky and all that God made. They can clearly see his invisible qualities - his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse whatsoever for not knowing God.

Yes, they knew God, but they wouldn’t worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. The result was that that their minds became dark and confused. Claiming to be wise, they became utter fools instead. And instead of worshipping the glorious ever-living God, they worshiped idols made to look like mere people, or birds and animals and snakes.

So God let them go ahead and do whatever shameful things their hearts desired. As a result, they did vile and degrading things with each other’s bodies. Instead of believing what they knew was the truth about God, they deliberately chose to believe lies. So they worshiped the things God made but not the Creator himself, who is to be praised forever.” (from the book of Romans, chapeter 1, verses 19 - 25 in the New Living Translation).

Going on…

“When they refused to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their evil minds and let them do things that should never be done. Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, fighting, deception, malicious behaviour, and gossip. They are backbiters, haters of God, insolent, proud and boastful. They are forever inventing new ways of sinning and are disobedient to their parents. They refuse to understand, break their promises, and are heartless and unforgiving. They are fully aware of God’s death penalty for those who do these things, yet they go right ahead and do them anyway. And worse yet, they encourage others to do them, too.

“You may be saying, ‘ What terrible peole you have been talking about!’ But you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condeming yourself, for you do these very same things. And we know that God, in his justice, will punish anyone who does such things. Do you think that God will judge and condemn others for doing them and not judge you when you do them, too? Don’t you realize how kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Or don’t you care? Can’t you see how kind he has been in giving you time to to turn from your sin?

But no, you won’t listen. So you are storing up terrible punishment for yourself because of your stubborness in refusing to turn from your sin. For there is going to come a day of judgement when God, the just judge of all the world, will judge all people according to what they have done. He will give eternal life to those who persist in doing what is good, seeking after the glory and honor and immortality that God offers. But he will pour out his anger and wrath on those who live for themselves, who refuse to obey the truth and practice evil deeds.” (More of the book of Romans, chapter 1, verse 28 through chapter 2, verse 8).

So, uh, yeah Cara…waitin’ for the “good part” here… Glad you asked!

“We are made right in God’s sight when we trust in Jesus Christ to take away our sins. And we all can be saved in this same way, no matter who we are or what we have done.  For all have sinned; all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet now God in his gracious kindness delcares us NOT GUILTY. He has done this through Christ Jesus, who has freed us by taking away our sins. For God sent Jesus to take the punishment for our sins and to satisfy God’s anger against us. We are made right with God when we believe that Jesus shed his blood, sacrificing his life for us….

Can we boast, then, that we have done anything to be accepted by God? No, because our acquittal is not based on our good deeds. It is based on our faith. So we are made right with God through faith and not by obeying the law.

When people work, their wages are not a gift. Workers earn what they receive. But people are declared righteous because of their faith, not because of their work.

Oh what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sins are put out of sight. Yes what joy for those whose sin is no longer counted against them by the Lord”.

(Still Romans…this book is hot, I’m tellin’ ya. This was Romans 2, and some of 3 and some of 4. Those of you who know it, know how to find where it is, those of you who dont’ know it, read the whole book it is so very cool.)

So that’s it. Helloooo? Anyone still out there? Sorry, this is a classic Cara-length blog. But it’s me and it’s from my heart and I don’t want something neat and tidy I want something real for all of you. If you don’t like long and rambly messy, you won’t read it…if you can wade through it, you will. We’re all big people, able to make choices.

So…this is it. Evil is real. Its everywhere. Its sin. And because of this “God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God did not send his Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it. There is no judgement awaiting those who trust him. But those who do not trust him have already been judged for not believing in the only Son of God. Their judgement is based on this fact: The light from heaven came into the world, but they loved the darkness more than the light, for their actions were evil.” ( the Gospel of John, chapter 3, verses 16 through 20).

“That night some shepherds were in the fields outside the village, guarding their flocks of sheep. Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord’s glory surrounded them. They were terribly frightened, but the angel reassured them. ‘Don’t be afraid!’ he said. ‘I bring you good news of great joy for everyone! The Saviour - yes, the Messiah, the Lord - has been born tonight in Bethlehem, the city of David! And this is how you will recognise him: You will find a baby lying in a manger, wrapped snugly in strips of cloth!”

Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others - the armies of heaven - praising God: ‘Glory to God in the highest heaven, and peace on earth to all whom God favors’. When the angels had returned to heaven the shepherds said to each other, ‘Come on, lets go to Bethlehem! Let’s see this wonderful thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.’ (from the Gospel of Luke, chapter 2, verses 8 through 15).

So go! Go to Bethlehem, (so to speak)…go to the place where the Baby lies, where the Saviour waits. Go to this “wonderful thing that the Lord has told us about”.

Whether it’s for the first time or the five thousandth time, go to Him. Open His love letters to you, read them, gather with his other broken-stumbling-work-in-progress-children and worship with them. Ask Him to “open the eyes of your heart, to open up your heart and come and let the Healer set you free”. He loves you. I love you.

Merry Christmas from your rambly, melancholy, over-emotional, thinkin’ too much, writin’ too much, sister, daughter, sister-in-law, auntie, friend, missionary…I love you all so much.

PS!!! While I wrote this I got an instant message saying that a church was sending me a Christmas present of an unexpected donation! They know who they are, so GOD BLESS YOU! And a friend wrote me and said wonderful words of encouragement straight from God’s heart to mine. God is so very good…give him a chance.

LOVE YOU ALL! And to all a goodnight! ha, sorry, couldn’t resist!
Cara

**This is a correction from when this was first posted. For those of you avid blog readers and/or 70’s sitcom fans. :) 

If you read my last posting on Tree of Life, then you will be glad to hear what a success the conference was for us! (Check out the latest PRAYER REQUEST / PRAISE REPORTS at  www.prayerandpraise.blog.com)

Today I’m going to teach at a women’s meeting in Rzhivsh (?! I think that’s how you’d spell it in English. Say THAT three times fast!). They had asked me some time ago to do the study, but then (at not exactly the last minute, but close! Blessed are the flexible…) they asked me if I could teach in Russian. I have before, and had thought about doing so this time, but really didn’ t have the time to best prepare it in Russian.

As regular blog readers here know, I was at a conference and so didn’t have extra time (we came home last night late from the conference and I need to leave VERY soon today for the bible study!). I thought about using what little free time we had at the conference to “torture” my staff and make them help me correct my Russian errors (grammar, etc.) in the study. But I just didn’t feel like that was the right thing to do. Yes, I knew LOGICALLY it was the best use of my time. But my heart didn’t fully agree.

Thankfully, when I asked my staff if they would help me with this, one gal was honest enough to let just a little of her emotions show…I caught that (thankfully!) and said, no, I could see they were tired…I would just trust God, prepare my HEART and then speak from that and trust that the ladies at the study would understand everything as needed.

Well…we (my staff and I) ended up staying up until 1:00 am talking, crying, praying…the girls shared very personal things - that although I have known them both for years, I never knew. We laughed, cried, and prayed together and I KNOW that this was what my time was supposed to be spent doing.

It was like our own little private women’s conference and we were all so encouraged. It was better than any formal “team building” that any book could have taught us. The Holy Spirit always seems to have better, surprising ways of working that any human formulas, huh?

I know better how to serve my staff, how to pray for them AND when I got home Katya (who used to live with me years ago…some of you know her…and is living with me temporarily again now)… asked if she could come with me to Rzhivsh and translate!

Could I have done it in Russian? Yes! Did I want to? Actually, yes! What would every time-management, Missionary training, etc. book say? “After 7 years on the field, fluent in the local language - the mature missionary should use her time wisely, work hard to prepare a solid Bible study and proceed boldy.” BUT GOD HAD OTHER PLANS! I love it!

So..we’re off to Rzhvish (I’ll find out how to spell it properly in English while I’m there! ha!) and I’ll let you know how that goes in the next posting here! LOVE YOU ALL!

My friend Katya turned me on to this cool new site. It is from a Korean Christian and it is very inspiring, convicting, creative and just plain cool! :)   http://www.donghaeng.net/english/main3.htm

I wrote about my neighbor Pasha who died from cancer. As if that wasn’t enough, what I didn’t write was the hard part. The part where God really spoke to my heart and I blew it. You don’t have to write me and encourage me, and tell me not to take it all on my self, etc. etc….I haven’t. I’m not all depressed. I know people have their own choices to make. I’m not Jesus…and so on and so forth. But just the same, I blew it and I know it.

My neighbor Pasha was a kind of big bear of a man. He seemed nice enough and often tried to make jokes with me, which was sort of difficult since I kind of avoided him. But even so as I would walk below their balcony on my way to the metro, or the store, Pasha would lean out as he stood there smoking and make some funny comment. He usually thought I didn’t understand him (because of the language barrier) but usually I understood him fine, but it is difficult to easily laugh at a joke that someone just throws at you out of the blue when you are, honestly, a little scared of them and are doing your best to, (politely, mind you) avoid them.

See, the few times I did have personal contact with Pasha he was drunk. He would come up behind me in our local “gastronom” (mini-mart) and grab me around the waist and kiss me on the cheek (only because I turned my face away too fast for him to get my lips!). Now, I know that for many of you, this is freaking you out already. But for older Ukrainian men, this is not so strange. Not typically with foreigners they barely know, but hey, we were neighbors!

So, I avoided Pasha. I would talk to his wife, his daughters and lately to his little grandson who looks so very much like his “Dedushka” (grandpa).

A few months ago I was running late somewhere with someone (as usual) and I saw him sitting on the bench outside our apt. building. I remember he looked horrible. So skinny and gaunt. I thought for a second about talking to him, but knew that we were late. “Next time”, I thought. As we walked by I looked away and thought I heard my name called. As we walked a little further I looked back to see him looking, sort of pained, at me. He had called my name. I didn’t stop.

Next thing I knew my landlords told me Pasha had cancer. They asked for me to tell them if “anything happens”. I understood they meant they wanted to know when he died. How would I know? I wondered.

I saw one of the daughters outside our building after that and asked if I could see him. She said no, that he was in too bad a condition. Next I spoke with the son-in-law. The response was the same, no. I prayed that if the wife said I could see him I would go…and do what? I wasn’t sure. Pray for him, talk to him, I didn’t know. But I knew I had to. I wanted to even. But I was afraid.

Soon after I prayed I ran into the wife on the street near our house. She said of course I could come see him. That was my answer. But I couldn’t tonight, I had a meeting. Tomorrow. But then tomorrow people called, came over, and by the time I was free it was late. This happened one day, two, three…I lost count.

I knew I had to go soon or it would be too late. I was afraid and I thought - “what if I pray for healing and he isn’t healed”? In my head I knew all the answers…that it wasn’t my responsibility to heal him, just to be faithful to pray and to do what God had showed me. I knew this…in my head. But my heart was afraid.

I prayed again another night, while coming home late, and tried to be as honest with God as possible. I confessed my fear and repented for not being obedient. I told God I needed help to get over there, and I dind’t know how, but could He please help me to do what I could not do myself?

I stood at the bottom of our stairs, searching for my keys, and my upstairs neighbor was  smoking crouched in the landing in between Pasha’s apt. and mine (in a way that only Ukrainian men can do…it looks terribly uncomfortable, but they can “sit” that way for hours without their bum touching the ground. Just an interesting little trivia I thought you’d like to know).

“Nu, kak Pasha?” “Well, how is Pasha” I asked. With only the slightest hint of surprise or anything he just matter of factly answered “he already died 9 days ago”. I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach. God had so clearly spoke to my heart. So clearly opened the way with Pasha’s wife for me to go speak to him….and now I had waited too long. I wanted to cry, but couldn’t. This, more than anything, wasn’t about me. How could I cry, even for being disobedient to God, when Luda had lost her husband? Ira and Natasha were without a dad, and little Max without Dedushka. I had no tears for myself.

I nodded numbly and went inside. I hadn’t shut the door more than a few minutes when someone rang the bell. It was Luda. “Carochka, come eat with us, please, come, come. You must.”.

Now you have to understand. We barely know each other. She and I shared a cup of tea once when I first moved in and my lock was broken. She helped me fix it while all my drunk male neighbors tried to help to absolutely no avail. (Boy is THAT a story! There’s no time to tell it, but suffice to say, I’m sure the idea of using a syringe to pump lubricant into my lock mechanism was something they never taught her in her nurse’s training!) But really, more than “Priviet” on the street, we were strangers.

But this is what you do in Ukraine. You serve others. Especially with food. Especially at times like these. It was 9 days after and this was the time to remember those who had died. And then again at 40 days (I believe). So that’s what they were supposed to do. But what was I supposed to do? Thankfully, at least part of my role, I knew well. I could not refuse. The best way I could serve her, was to let her serve me. I locked the door behind me and followed Luda, (with her black lace scarf on her head appropriately), into their apt. across the hall.

An exact replica floor plan of mine, our homes could not be more different. While my place is cluttered with “stuff” - not even rich stuff, just plain old stuff, all signs of the luxury of one person living in a 4 room apt. (two rooms are actually my office, the other two my bedroom and living room…with a million guests coming and going!)…their home was the neat, tucked away orderliness of a family of 6 (3 generations) living in the same size apt. I wondered where Pasha had been laid out after he died. I hoped not in the room where we now sat and ate. I doubted it.

The table was heaping with fried cutlets and fish, steaming boiled potatoes with dill, black bread, salo (raw pig fat, which is actually quite tasty) and more fish. There were salads, pickles, canned tomatoes…I forget what all. If it had been New Year’s (when the table would have been similarly ladened with the fruit of hours of work in the kitchen for Luda, her daughters and our upstairs neighbor) I would have loved to dig in! Ukrainian women are typically great cooks and I’ve grown to love all this strange stuff.

But now I nearly choked on the food. It was good, but I had no appetite. It was all just so ironic. Here I was, the ‘great missionary’ who wanted to serve Luda and Pasha, and she is serving me. In the midst of her sorrow and pain, she is serving me. I have never quite so deeply begun to understand the word “humbled”.

I could go on and on and tell you how I was thankful that it seemed that God did give me a few words of encouragement for her. I knew that the right thing to do was to have some kind rememberances of the dead…I prayed desperately in my head and actually remembered some of the funny things Pasha had hollered out the balcony. I repeated them and Luda laughed out loud remembering the man she had more than likely spent more years with than without.

I noticed, and commented on how much little Max looked like his Dedushka, and his mother was drawn into the conversation. And on and on….I tried to say the things that were expected, that would comfort Luda without just speaking to make myself feel better for not having spoken before. It was awkward, but manageable.

Finally, I left, and at the door I gave her a hug (making sure not to do this while standing on the opposite side of the threshold from Luda…that would be bad luck! I almost did that and she pulled me back in…startled that I would reach for her over the threshold! Heaven forbid!) I told her that this was an American tradition. That although we didn’t know each other very well, in this situation in America, how we would show our care for someone would be to give them a hug. She cried and held me tight. I have not spoken to her since.

So what’s the point of all this? I’m not sure.

I was back in the States once after I lived here and someone naively said “So I guess you just see hundreds of people ‘get saved’ every day, huh?” I actually laughed out loud. Poor lady. I didn’t mean to be cruel to her. It’s just that…well…if only!

A friend of mine calls Christianity “stumbling in the forward direction”…and I have to agree. So often I am stumbling and falling, and my only hope is that, as promised, God has placed His treasure in my “jar of clay” so that “the “glory would be of Him and NOT of me.”

The more I walk with God, the more I realize how little I have personally to give anyone. When I was in high school my wonderful youth pastor used to have business cards that said on the back “If you meet me and forget me you have lost nothing. If you meet Jesus Christ and forge Him, you have lost everything”. So true.

Don’t get me wrong. I love living here. I love doing what I can even if I don’t see a lot of outward overwhelming fruit. (And just FYI, LOTS of Ukrainians are already Christians! Its just getting those truths to go deep and begin to apply to all areas of their lives, ie. discipleship, that is our main issue here now).

And I know God is faithful. And I know that maybe He will accomplish a greater fruit now that the door is open for me to get to know Luda better, yadda, yadda, yadda. But the facts remain and it’s times like these that the rubber really meets the road on all our talk about grace.

So hopefully this hasn’t depressed you. In a melancholy way it has actually encouraged me. I always say it’s all about God and not about me…and these little wake up calls remind me how very true that all is. Please keep praying for Luda and her family in her time of grief.